Roller coaster of emotions...

I love roller coasters but this is one ride I'm ready to get off.   We have been in Edmonton for over a week now.  Before we came up here,  I was hoping to be coming home tomorrow.  Tuesday is now Lily's surgery date.  They bumped us last from Monday, to Wednesday, and then to Friday.  I'm mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.  It is so frustrating and upsetting to have this kind of surgery be bumped over and over again.  In preparing for Lily's surgeries I go through a roller coaster of emotions to mentally prepare myself.  First I'm mostly scared.  Scared for her well being.  I feel sorry for her that she has to endure this challenge and she doesn't even know what's coming. I worry that she'll be scared when she wakes up and in pain.  There is always a part of me that fears the absolute worst outcome, which causes me to wonder if the day prior will be my last day spent with my sweet angel.  Its an awful thing to think, but I think anyone in our position with a child undergoing a major surgery like this can't help but think occasionally.  I try not to dwell on those feelings and think of something else.  I try and just savour every moment spent with her to keep my mind off the upcoming trial.  Then, when the surgery is bumped I am disappointed we have to keep waiting,  there's a part of me that is relieved she doesn't have to go through it; although I KNOW it is inevitable. It's absolutely time for her to have this surgery and I know she needs this to sustain her.  It is hard tomentally prepare oneself and then get another date for 2 days later and have to go through it all over again. Don't forget the 3 surgical soap baths you have to give her between the dates and the fasting all morning and afternoon just to be turned away.  I hope it happens tomorrow like they say, because I just need it to be over so we can return to our normal lives again!  On the bright side of things, Justin and I have been able to spend lots of quality time with Lily, and she has had soo much fun being at the Ronald McDonald house.  But even she is asking to go home now.   Even though all of this sucks,  I am beyond grateful; grateful for such a beautiful and loving daughter, and grateful that we live in a time and place that there is treatment available for Lily.  I look around at some of the other people you see in the hospitals or at the Ronald mcdonald house and i know how lucky I am.  We are lucky that Lily can live such a  "normal" life and she can express her love for me and has control of her body.  I am truly grateful for her in my life.